We Never Made It to the Beach: Learning to Hold Happiness

I used to think happiness was bullshit. Not the concept, I believed it existed out there somewhere, for other people. I just didn't think it was something you could actually hold onto. In my early twenties, I disappeared into a relationship like it was a full-time job. My family got the voicemail version of me. My friends got rain checks. I was present, technically, but not really there, you know that thing where you're nodding along in a conversation but your brain is doing that staticky TV screen thing? Yeah. That.When I finally got tired of performing happiness instead of feeling it, I did the bravest thing I'd ever done: I left. Just walked out of a long-term relationship and into the terrifying, liberating unknown. I felt like I could do anything. Like I'd finally figured out the cheat code to my own life.And then I became a mom.Look, they warn you that having kids changes everything. What they don't tell you is that "everything" means your entire concept of who you are gets shredded and reassembled while you're running on 90 minutes of sleep and someone else's bodily fluids are on your shirt. But I was still that person...