Decentering Men
We girls love a project. And as a neurodivergent girlie, I tend to hyperfixate on novel ideas and (like a bad boyfriend) do it until I'm done. My current hyperfixation: decentering men. Single for years now, I've cultivated a lifestyle centered around me, only, and I'm not ashamed to admit it (anymore).
The Freedom of No Negotiation
No big meals to prepare at regular intervals, no body hair to vacuum off the bathroom floor, no roommate at all (my children don't count because I'm their boss), no one to coordinate plans with or inform of upcoming plans that are met with a sigh and a "do we have to." No negotiation of holiday daytime spent with each other's families, no dissection of financial statements and explanations of "this $237 charge at SF Laser Clinic." No laughter to quiet because "you're forcing it, nothing is that funny" (actually, my group chat is that funny), no discussion of whether a pink toaster is right for the kitchen. Because it's my kitchen.
If drawing that kind of line sounds appealing but unfamiliar, our piece on healthy boundaries is a good place to start thinking about what it actually looks like in practice.
I woke up this morning to the sun peeking out between my drapes, plucked out my earplugs one at a time, and called out, "Hey Google, what time is it," to the speaker in my ensuite bathroom. At nearly 7 a.m., I'd slept almost nine hours. This was a new milestone. I hadn't slept like that since my twenties, childfree and unmarried.
The Predator We Keep Marrying
Someone on TikTok said women are the only species attracted to their number one predator. And given that men commit the overwhelming majority of murders and sexual assaults, they're not exactly beating the allegations. Yet women marrying men remains, somehow, very popular.
But what about the quality of these marriages? We tend to measure the success of a relationship by its longevity. I'll never forget the time my then-boyfriend and I walked in on my then-aesthetician, in her place of business, straddling a much older man who was not her husband, behind the reception desk. In shock, we immediately looked down at our phones, voraciously engaged in absolutely nothing. She stood quickly, smoothing her hands down the front of her blouse, and eked out, "I'll be right with you two!" as she disappeared into the back room. When the elder man stood and turned to face us, I recognized him immediately.
After the aesthetician re-emerged, acting as if she'd seen us for the first time, she made lighthearted chitchat as we took turns lying down so she could thread our eyebrows. The moment we walked out the door, I turned to my boyfriend and exclaimed, "Do you know who that was?!" He was well known in our community, so I pulled up a quick Google search, only to stumble across photos from a party he'd recently attended: his own 50th wedding anniversary, standing alongside his dutiful wife, smiling with his arm wrapped around her.
Nevertheless, women like me are decentering men in record numbers. We are tired! So if we don't want a husband, what do we want?
What We Actually Want Instead
A nice walk. But preferably on a warm summer day, with a podcast or a walking meditation to keep company, a bottle of water dangling from our free hand or tucked into our pocket.
A crisp glass of Prosecco, a dry cappuccino, a Coke Zero.
A fridge filled with jars of pickled foods, prepared food like the half of your veal sandwich you didn't finish at lunch because it's huge, a tub of cottage cheese, and a sliced sourdough loaf in the freezer.
For our kids to keep sharing their innermost thoughts with us at bedtime when the house is quiet, they're freshly showered and running through the day's musings.
A coffee first thing in the morning on an empty stomach, because we don't care about protein or spiking our cortisol at 7 a.m. and we never will.
Cottage weekends with best friends, floating around the quiet lake waterfront on inner tubes with canned seltzers in hand, Babybel and charcuterie s'mores around a campfire, Zach Bryan playing on the outdoor speaker until someone points out that he's problematic.
.webp)
