Becoming a Mother Who Is Also a Friend: Advice, Love, and Questions About the Future

The Mother I Want to One Day Be

When I think about the kind of mother I want to one day be, I am met with endless unanswered questions. There are so many influences that guide me, either towards one kind of mother or away. I watch the way my friends' mothers influence their growth, the way my mother influences mine, and the way she influences my sister differently. There are things I read in books that skew my thinking, and things I’ve learned in therapy that skew it back. Sometimes the act of maturing feels no different than growing into the mother I will one day be; sometimes that thought makes me feel big, and sometimes it makes me feel small. But it always overwhelms me.

Nurturing Self-Confidence

Watching some of the girls I went to elementary school with, one thing I know for sure that I will never do is judge my child, though that feels like a no brainer. I have witnessed so many young girls with complexes mimicking their mothers words as they criticized themselves. I have seen it first hand, as my classmates' mothers pointed out each one of their flaws. This had always made me feel grateful for my mother, in a way I felt I shouldn’t have felt grateful. Of course I appreciated the fact that she never chastised me, yet I also felt it would be wrong if she had. Not only did I want to avoid the formation of a complex in my future children, but I want to actively nurture the development of their self-confidence. I want to teach them how to validate themselves; In place of giving them my pride, I want to show them their own.

Being Friends With My Children

Influenced by my mothers own style, I want to be the kind of mother who is friends with her children, first. From a young age, my mother has always felt like my best friend, and I have always known I can tell her anything. The result of this kind of relationship has helped me develop a clear cut moral compass. The inclination to share the details of my personal life with my mother has created a foolproof alarm, alerting me that the details are not what they should be when I am inclined to keep them to myself. By developing this kind of relationship with my future children, I can hopefully ensure that they feel safe enough to approach me with whatever problems they may have, and that they feel supported enough to solve those problems without needing my help.

Approaching Conflict With Love

Borrowing from advice my therapist had given me, I want to be the kind of mother that approaches conflict with love. She had enlightened me on something recently, that a child who is making poor choices for themselves is a child who already does not feel good about themselves. In a lot of situations, parents may buckle down on these children, consequently making them feel worse about themselves. Instead, she suggested approaching a child who displays these symptoms with love, wrapping them up in a warm blanket and bringing them a warm meal; showing the child how love and warmth is supposed to feel.

Becoming the Mother I Want to Be

At the age of twenty three, I imagine I have the time to answer all of my questions about the kind of mother that I want to be. As the days burn by, the questions burn brighter, but the answers that I know and the influences I have seen guide me in the right direction. Though the mere fact of even considering the kind of mother I want to be, far before motherhood is in sight, may be enough to soothe my concern that I will do it all wrong.